Infertility & Grief

Stacey Roberts talks about the impact and effects of disappointments in the field of fertility.  Discover what happens with different stages of infertility, how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster and the essential self care necessary to overcome your obstacles. 

 

Let's talk about the stages of grieving. There are 5 stages in the grieving process. According to Dr. Elizabeth Kuebler Ross who was a guru on the topic of grieving the 5 stages are

1)Denial

2)Depression

3)Anger

4)Bargaining

5)Acceptance

 

You know how when your period is approaching, you may have a few cramps or heaviness in the lower abdomen. Or maybe that headache occurs or the breast soreness starts. The little voice in the back of your mind may be saying, "Well, maybe that's not my period, maybe I could be pregnant".   After all, you timed intercourse correctly, everyone is telling you to stop worrying about it, it will just happen, and yep, this could be the month. Or you begin to slide into sadness/depression but grip on to the one glimmer of hope that the period hasn't started quite yet so may be this time...

 

Then a few days later the period starts and you feel deflated, depressed, as if someone has pulled the carpet out from under you both, punched you in the stomach or somehow defeated you again. Everything seemed right that month.

 

What am I/we doing wrong? What is wrong with me/us? Sadness and Depression even ANGER sets in.

 

Next thing you know the period is in full swing. The temperatures have dropped and you come to ACCEPT that you aren't pregnant and once again its time to start all over again.

 

This time you think, "I will eat better, exercise more, and stay on track this cycle. I know if I do this then maybe it will happen this month, right?" . If only it happens this month. (Bargaining)

 

Or you may think, "What's the use? One more beer, one more wine won't hurt. See I told you giving up the cigarettes, the coffee, the wine, and the chocolate wouldn't make a difference. What's the use?" ANGER/APATHY

 

Ovulation approaches and you know its time for baby making again. You have reluctantly been charting your temperatures now and you can tell, ovulation is nearly here. At times you both look at each other thinking, "Not again". You almost begin to dread what should be intimate moments, but know if you want a child it has to be done.

 

Your attitude toward sex is significantly different than before you started baby making.

 

You might think, "If we only knew it was going to be this hard back then..."

 

A fight may break out right around ovulation or you have no sex drive what so ever (see fertility tip, fear of disappointment). After intercourse, if you had it, the glimmer of hope returns, and though you try to push it away, you try to hide it, that little voice in the back of your mind keeps saying, "maybe this month"

 

The two weeks pass while you try your best not to pay attention to every twinge and every sensation that you feel in your body (which is now magnified by about 2000 times). Could I/she be pregnant?

 

BARGAINING can come in to play here again. You may even make a promise to your God or the universe that if it happens this month, you will pray more, spend more time with the disadvantaged, strive to be the best parent you can be, stop being so crabby, have a normal happy life. You promise to be a better person. If only you could be pregnant everything else would be okay.

 

Have you felt this way ever? Had any of these thoughts or feelings? Gone through any of these stages?

 

If you have you are certainly not alone. It's normal. Whether you or your spouse experience just one of these thoughts, remember, you are not alone. People are programmed to want to express themselves fully and one of the most common ways of wanting to express this desire is for so many, to have a child.

 

This grieving process that you may go through each month may take its toll. But at some point, just like when you have lost a person that you love, like my friend this week, there comes a time when focusing on the loss makes you stop living and it becomes time once again for the loss to change to appreciation of life, like your own. Appreciation of what you have instead of focusing on what you lack.

 

The process of grieving the loss of a loved one can be complete at some point because you always have (hopefully) the good memories to focus on. But grieving the loss of something you haven't had is a grueling process because there doesn't seem to be a beginning, middle or end.
There are no memories to cherish, only pain each month. This is not a healthy or happy existence. But you have the ability to stop this cycle and live life to receive it.

 

Shifting the focus to what you have is the key. This doesn't take the desire to have a baby away. And it certainly doesn't mean that you won't at any moment welcome a baby into your life, it only makes the waiting and preparing more bearable and more productive, more purposeful until it happens for you.

 Stacey Roberts

Keep in mind you have to live life to receive it. (Acceptance)
And there may be a time if it doesn't happen for you that you decide to draw the line because you know you have done everything in your power and that you have left no stone unturned to help it happen. At that time you have done the one thing that you may have forgotten about until right now, and that is no matter what happens, you have accepted yourself as the worthwile and beautiful person that you are right now with a child or without one.
At the end of the day, that is true acceptance.

 

Whether you are deciding to draw the line or you are continuing to do everything that you could possibly do to create the life that you long for, accepting you and your partner for who you are, not defining yourself by what you don't have, is the path that will bring life to you in the most amazing, unexpected and fulfilling ways.
That is truly what I wish for you.

Take care

Stacey Roberts

BSPT, QHerbalist

www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com

www.naturalfertility.com

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twitter: mybabymaker

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